Timelapse.....
There was a time, that feels like it wasn’t too long ago, that I couldn’t wait for time to pass. I looked forward to birthdays and summer vacations, for high school to end… even “growing up.” While back then, Time seemed to move meandering and slow, like a quiet stream, at some point it seemed to gain speed, flowing fast like a raging river coming down the gully of the mountains. When I consider it… Time, in all its scope, is revealing itself to be a profound teacher.
Some would say that I haven’t had much time here, at 37 years old, but I stand here in deep reflection of this thing we call Time and what it allows to occur in it.
Twenty years ago, I was already in my first semester of College while many of my high school peers were graduating. After having a tough Freshman year, I pretty much isolated myself and made an aim to hide, I focused on getting through my requirements and found a way to graduate early from another school. I couldn’t wait to get out of high school. My first year I discovered friends I had known for years wouldn’t speak to me because I wasn’t in the right “click,” and worse still, a close friend betrayed my trust in aim to become friends with those who were popular. I hated high school, and couldn’t wait to get out. So I did, as soon as I could. In looking back, I really wish I had allowed myself to enjoy making more art and more memories with new friends rather than letting other people’s actions effect my confidence and self-esteem.
Fast-forward twelve years, my mom passed away. At 56 years old, many would say that this is too young. I was just turning 29. Most of my close friends from this part of my life didn’t know my mom and had little but false encouragement to offer as condolences. I isolated myself again… but ironically, thanks to the wonders of Facebook, people from my past reached out to me… people from my childhood. They wanted to share what they remembered about my mom.
It took me a couple of years to get over that fall. You see, I had my own trials with my mom. I didn’t like her very much as a young girl, mostly because of how she interacted with my father in times of separation and finally in their divorce. Yet by some strange grace, in my early twenties I realized that most of the stories I shared about her were negative ones. One day I felt it in my shoulders, my throat, my gut… and I became conscious of how it made me literally feel to share these negative stories of my childhood… my memories. In an effort to get to know my mom in a new way, I decided to forgive my mom. I wanted to know who “She” was, rather than continue painting her picture with tales of pain and wrong doing. This opened our relationship up a bit… and on her 52 birthday, I decided to call her once a week… 52 times a year.
In 2007, I got a bit of a health scare. I had an intensifying soreness in my breast that was calling my attention to a place of consistent concern. I shared this in confidence with a close friend whom very pointedly suggested that I call my mother. When I did this my mom became very stern with me, commanding that I promise that I would line up insurance and get checked out. After ending our conversation, she called me an hour later to reveal that 6 months prior she had been diagnosed with 4th Stage Breast Cancer. During this time, I really wanted time to slow down, but it didn’t. My mom passed away in December 2008.
Here I am now, in 2016, eight years later… and I still miss her. I think I always will. I’ve come to learn that everyone has their own personal experience with loss, and that I am fortunate to have gotten to know my mom differently than how I remembered her as a child. Thanks to a willingness at forgiveness, I had a great chance to heal old wounds… through the course of Time.
Just a couple of weeks ago, when I entered my 20-year high school reunion, I didn’t know what to expect. I walked in with a napkin of old memories tucked in a place that recalled high school as a purely painful experience, and had some trepidation upon walking in. However almost immediately I was greeted by a familiar face, and something began to remember high school a lot differently. It is truly humbling to witness in oneself how one bad high school experience angled our direction into a storm of illusion, despite everything else that may have been good standing there to anchor us. As I reconnected with people I shared memories with, some people whom I knew all the way back from the times of elementary school, I was nourished on some subtle soul level by what we all have all overcome to become. Honestly I didn’t have any idea I would have missed them all so much.
Last night I was cruising around Facebook at the end of a long day. As the cost of living continues to rise in Colorado and work is a consistent struggle to earn a fair means, I have made a habit to fill my time with ways of earning additional income… a side aromatherapy business, reading tarot cards and astrology charts, sewing, part-time work at a plant nursery... I have to admit, with much reflection as of late, that I regret making work the focus of my time.
In the midst of liking people's posts, I came across a post regarding a friend that I made in college… A post which spoke of gratitude for knowing him, and gave a lasting wish that he Rest In Peace. My friend, whom I’ve been able to see post pictures of the big Bass that he catches… whom I just “liked” his new profile picture change featuring his catch of the day, the other day… is dead at 37 years old.
After scanning his Facebook wall for an hour I couldn’t find any details, only more mystery. I remember a funny, light-hearted, wise man. I am floored by how quickly things can happen in the passage of Time.
Today, I give thanks for those I have met, for those that I have yet to meet… Today I give thanks to what we have learned, what we have come to understand, and the growth and strength that I have witnessed in myself and others. I give thanks for this breath, and am humbled knowing that I have more Time… frankly I think it is the most precious thing we have.
May we make a conscious shift from spending it, to sharing more of it.
<3
©2016
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